A relationship is when two people wish to be connected in some way. A healthy relationship is based on freedom: if two people choose to be together, that's fine, and if they choose not to be, that's alright also.
And an abusive relationship is when one partner in that dyad uses force of some kind to control the other person in that relationship, either to do certain things, or to stop them from leaving the relationship.
How is this relevant to Judaism, you may ask? Let's take a look!
The whole premise of Judaism is that Jews have a relationship with god (Hashem). But the relationship is "on the rocks." And apparently, the only way to "repair" it is to follow the demands of god.
A bit of a warning: in ANY relationship, if one party is making demands of the other with commands to be followed, that is already not a healthy relationship. Like we said: a truly healthy relationship is based on FREEDOM and EQUALITY.
And Judaism has neither.
Jews are not equal to god in any way. In fact, they are constantly demeaned and ridiculed. Pirkei Avot, the highly-respected book from Jewish literature, makes no qualms about telling Jews how low they are, as well as reminding them who they will be judged by in the future (Hashem).
Remember: in a healthy relationship, the two parties are equal, so they don't "judge" each other. They may talk, conversate, even argue ... but not judge. Judging is inherently authoritarian.
The National Domestic Violence website has some fantastic resources on abuse. Below is their Power and Control Wheel, which is a diagram designed to show some of the possible ways an abuser may attempt to control someone who is in a relationship with them. The outer represents actual physical violence, and the inner parts represent the more subtle, but still abusive, actions. Let's examine some of them and see how they correspond to Judaism.
Using Coercion and Threats: Hashem threatens to bring diseases on the Jews if they don't pay attention to his commands.
Using Emotional Abuse: This is almost too ubiquitous in the Torah to find a specific example. Suffice it to say, from the very start of Adam eating from the tree, humans are considered horrible sinners who were kicked out of the Garden of Eden. David Hamelech laments how he is a born sinner - which is applicable to all people as well. This completely ignores the god who created "sin" in the first place and instead makes the victim the guilty one.
Using Intimidation: There's too many places to source one! How about the Tochacha portion of the Torah, where god threatens to bring (excerpt here) misery, fever, poor harvests, defeats by enemies, pestilence, and famine. Another great place is in Devarim. Nowadays, thanks to modern technology in developed countries, we rarely have "poor harvests." But 2,000 years ago, these curses would have been terrifying to hear. Imagine someone threatening that "you can't buy food from the supermarket for a month". That would be abusive and insane, because you could die.
If one looks closer, almost ALL the data on the wheel corresponds to how Hashem behaves. And so the question becomes: even if there was a god ... why would you want to be in a relationship with it? Which brings a great question: why do people stay in abusive relationships at all?
There could be many reasons, such as disability or lack of resources or money to leave. But in the religious case, I think it's far more likely to be ... fear. Fear, low-self esteem, embarrassment or shame, and believing that abuse is "normal" are probably some of the stronger reasons some Jews remain religious. Which is ironic and sad - because the way to stop fearing is not to go deeper in a relationship with that being ... it's to get out! Now!
I cannot express how truly happy I am that there's no evidence that the most abusive being in the universe does not exist. Now we can learn about healthy relationships, and endeavor to only have equal and free relations. Abuse is NEVER okay. Not from a spouse, not from any human ... and not from a god.
And an abusive relationship is when one partner in that dyad uses force of some kind to control the other person in that relationship, either to do certain things, or to stop them from leaving the relationship.
How is this relevant to Judaism, you may ask? Let's take a look!
The whole premise of Judaism is that Jews have a relationship with god (Hashem). But the relationship is "on the rocks." And apparently, the only way to "repair" it is to follow the demands of god.
A bit of a warning: in ANY relationship, if one party is making demands of the other with commands to be followed, that is already not a healthy relationship. Like we said: a truly healthy relationship is based on FREEDOM and EQUALITY.
And Judaism has neither.
Jews are not equal to god in any way. In fact, they are constantly demeaned and ridiculed. Pirkei Avot, the highly-respected book from Jewish literature, makes no qualms about telling Jews how low they are, as well as reminding them who they will be judged by in the future (Hashem).
Remember: in a healthy relationship, the two parties are equal, so they don't "judge" each other. They may talk, conversate, even argue ... but not judge. Judging is inherently authoritarian.
The National Domestic Violence website has some fantastic resources on abuse. Below is their Power and Control Wheel, which is a diagram designed to show some of the possible ways an abuser may attempt to control someone who is in a relationship with them. The outer represents actual physical violence, and the inner parts represent the more subtle, but still abusive, actions. Let's examine some of them and see how they correspond to Judaism.
Using Emotional Abuse: This is almost too ubiquitous in the Torah to find a specific example. Suffice it to say, from the very start of Adam eating from the tree, humans are considered horrible sinners who were kicked out of the Garden of Eden. David Hamelech laments how he is a born sinner - which is applicable to all people as well. This completely ignores the god who created "sin" in the first place and instead makes the victim the guilty one.
Using Intimidation: There's too many places to source one! How about the Tochacha portion of the Torah, where god threatens to bring (excerpt here) misery, fever, poor harvests, defeats by enemies, pestilence, and famine. Another great place is in Devarim. Nowadays, thanks to modern technology in developed countries, we rarely have "poor harvests." But 2,000 years ago, these curses would have been terrifying to hear. Imagine someone threatening that "you can't buy food from the supermarket for a month". That would be abusive and insane, because you could die.
If one looks closer, almost ALL the data on the wheel corresponds to how Hashem behaves. And so the question becomes: even if there was a god ... why would you want to be in a relationship with it? Which brings a great question: why do people stay in abusive relationships at all?
There could be many reasons, such as disability or lack of resources or money to leave. But in the religious case, I think it's far more likely to be ... fear. Fear, low-self esteem, embarrassment or shame, and believing that abuse is "normal" are probably some of the stronger reasons some Jews remain religious. Which is ironic and sad - because the way to stop fearing is not to go deeper in a relationship with that being ... it's to get out! Now!
I cannot express how truly happy I am that there's no evidence that the most abusive being in the universe does not exist. Now we can learn about healthy relationships, and endeavor to only have equal and free relations. Abuse is NEVER okay. Not from a spouse, not from any human ... and not from a god.
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